Stoicism for Difficult People: Staying Calm When Others Aren't

Everyone has them: the colleague who takes credit for your work, the relative who criticizes every choice, the neighbor who's always angry, the stranger who's rude for no reason. Difficult people can occupy our thoughts for hours and leave us feeling drained, resentful, or anxious.

The Stoics dealt with plenty of difficult people. Marcus Aurelius governed an empire full of ambitious politicians and rivals. Epictetus lived through slavery. Seneca served Nero. Their approach to difficult people was practical, calm, and surprisingly compassionate. Here's how to apply it.

Expect them

Marcus Aurelius began his day with a striking reminder:

Begin the morning by saying to thyself, I shall meet with the busy-body, the ungrateful, arrogant, deceitful, envious, unsocial.

— Marcus Aurelius

This isn't cynicism. It's preparation. If you expect that you'll meet difficult people, their behavior doesn't feel like a shocking personal attack. It's simply part of the day.

Understand their behavior

The Stoics believed that most bad behavior comes from ignorance: people do what seems right or beneficial to them, even when they're mistaken. Marcus reminded himself that people who behaved badly didn't understand what was truly good.

This doesn't excuse harmful behavior, but it changes how we feel about it. Instead of "How dare they?", we can think, "They're acting from their own confusion or pain." That shift often reduces anger and opens up wiser responses.

Remember they can't harm your character

For the Stoics, the only real harm is harm to your character, and only you can do that. A difficult person can be rude, unfair, or annoying, but they can't make you act against your values unless you let them.

The best way of avenging thyself is not to become like the wrong doer.

— Marcus Aurelius

Notice the cost of your anger

Marcus observed that our anger and frustration often hurt us more than the original offense. The rude comment lasts a moment. Our resentment can last days. Asking "Is my reaction helping me or hurting me?" can be enough to loosen anger's grip. My post on Stoicism for anger has more practical techniques.

Remember your own faults

Marcus often reminded himself that he, too, made mistakes and sometimes behaved badly. Recognizing our own imperfection makes it easier to be patient with others. We all need forgiveness sometimes.

Practical strategies

1. Pause before responding

Difficult people often provoke immediate reactions. Take a breath, or several, before replying. If possible, wait until you're calm.

2. Focus on what's in your control

You can't change a difficult person's personality. You can control your response, your boundaries, and how much space they take up in your mind. My post on the dichotomy of control explains this.

3. Set boundaries

Stoicism doesn't mean tolerating mistreatment. You can be calm and still be firm. Limit your exposure to difficult people where possible, and clearly state what you will and won't accept. My post on setting boundaries has practical guidance.

4. Respond with kindness where you can

Marcus suggested responding to difficult people with gentleness and, where appropriate, trying to help them see their error kindly. Kindness can disarm hostility. Even when it doesn't, it protects your own character.

5. Don't take it personally

Difficult people are usually difficult with many people, not just you. Their behavior says more about their state than about your worth.

6. Let it go

After an encounter, notice if you're replaying it. The Stoics would ask, "Is this still happening, or only in my mind?" My post on rumination can help you step out of the replay.

A quick script for tense moments

1. Breathe out slowly before you say anything.
2. Name it to yourself: "This person is struggling, and I don't have to struggle with them."
3. Ask one question to understand what they want.
4. State your position calmly and briefly.
5. End or step away if the conversation isn't going anywhere.

When difficult becomes harmful

Stoic patience applies to ordinary difficulty: rudeness, irritability, disagreement. It does not mean accepting abuse, harassment, or danger. If someone is harming you or threatening your safety, please seek help from appropriate people, such as HR, trusted friends, or professional services. In the United States, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233.

Where hypnotherapy fits

Even when we know the Stoic approach, difficult people can trigger strong physical reactions: a racing heart, clenched jaw, rising heat. Hypnotherapy helps your nervous system stay calmer in these situations. In a relaxed state, we can rehearse encounters with the people who challenge you most, practicing calm, boundaried responses until they feel more natural.

All sessions are held online over Zoom, and you receive a recording to practice with. You can read more in Stoicism at work, on my page about hypnotherapy for anxiety and stress, or on the sessions page.