The Stoic HypnotistA comment from your manager. A negative review. A friend's offhand remark about your choices. Criticism can sting for days, replaying in your mind long after the moment has passed. For some people, the fear of criticism is so strong that they avoid trying new things altogether.
The Stoics thought a great deal about how to handle criticism, insults, and the opinions of others. Their approach is practical and surprisingly modern. Here's how to use it to take feedback without falling apart.
Why criticism hurts so much
We're social creatures. For our ancestors, belonging to the group was essential for survival, so the brain learned to treat disapproval as a kind of threat. That's why criticism can trigger the same physical reactions as danger: a racing heart, a flush of heat, a sinking stomach.
Criticism can also touch old wounds. If you grew up with harsh judgment, a minor comment as an adult might echo something much bigger. My post on emotional triggers explains how this happens.
The Stoic approach
1. Separate the criticism from your worth
For the Stoics, your worth lies in your character and choices, not in other people's opinions. Criticism is information about how someone sees your work or behavior. It's not a verdict on your value as a person. Keeping these separate makes criticism much easier to hear.
2. Ask whether it's true
Marcus Aurelius wrote that if someone could show him he was wrong, he'd gladly change, because he was seeking the truth, and the truth never harmed anyone. The Stoic question isn't "How dare they?" but "Is it true?" If it is, you've learned something useful. If it isn't, it's their mistake, not your burden.
3. Remember that the insult is in your judgment
Remember that it is not he who reviles you or strikes you who insults you, but it is your opinion about these things as being insulting.
— Epictetus
Epictetus wasn't saying hurtful words don't matter. He was pointing out that our response depends on how we interpret them. We can choose to see criticism as an attack, or as information, or as something that says more about the critic than about us.
4. Use humor and humility
Epictetus suggested that if someone speaks badly of you, you might reply that they clearly don't know your other faults, or they would have mentioned those too. It's a disarming response. It acknowledges imperfection and takes the sting out of criticism by refusing to treat it as a catastrophe.
5. Consider the source
Not all criticism deserves equal weight. Marcus reminded himself to consider the character of those whose approval he sought. Feedback from someone who understands your work and wishes you well deserves careful attention. A stranger's harsh comment online deserves much less.
A practical process for handling criticism
- Pause. Don't respond in the heat of the moment. Take a few slow breaths.
- Listen fully. Try to understand what the person is actually saying before defending yourself.
- Separate the useful from the hurtful. Even harshly delivered feedback can contain something valuable.
- Ask yourself: is it true? Reflect honestly, perhaps later, when the sting has faded.
- Decide what to do. If there's something to change, plan a step. If not, let it go.
- Thank them if appropriate. Feedback, even uncomfortable feedback, can be a gift.
When criticism replays
Many people find that the hardest part of criticism is the replay: going over it again and again. If that's you, my post on rumination has practical ways to step out of the loop. The Stoic evening review can help too: reflect on the criticism once, write down what you'll learn from it, and then close the notebook.
Criticism and self-esteem
People with shaky self-esteem often find criticism devastating, because it seems to confirm their worst fears about themselves. Building a sense of worth based on your values, rather than on approval, makes criticism less threatening. My post on hypnotherapy for self-esteem explores this.
Giving criticism the Stoic way
The Stoics also offer guidance on giving feedback. Marcus Aurelius advised correcting others kindly, without anger or sarcasm, as if teaching rather than scolding. Feedback delivered with goodwill is far more likely to be heard and acted on.
The freedom of not needing approval
There's a deep freedom in the Stoic attitude to criticism. When you no longer depend on everyone's approval, you can try new things, express unpopular opinions, and make mistakes in public. Epictetus told his students that if they wanted to improve, they should be content to seem foolish now and then. Growth requires it.
Where hypnotherapy fits
Understanding the Stoic approach helps, but the body can still react strongly to criticism. Hypnotherapy works at that level. In a relaxed state, we can rehearse receiving feedback calmly, reduce the charge of old memories with NLP techniques, and strengthen a sense of worth that doesn't depend on others' approval.
All sessions are held online over Zoom, with a recording to practice with. You can read more on my page about hypnosis for self-improvement, in imposter syndrome, or on the sessions page.