The Stoic HypnotistWhen a friend makes a mistake, most of us are kind. We remind them that everyone slips up, that they're doing their best, that tomorrow is a new day. When we make the same mistake ourselves, the inner voice is often very different: harsh, impatient, and unforgiving.
Self-compassion is the practice of offering yourself the same kindness you'd offer a good friend. Many people resist it, worried it will make them soft, lazy, or self-indulgent. In practice, it tends to do the opposite. Let me explain why, and how to start.
What self-compassion is
The psychologist Kristin Neff, who has researched self-compassion extensively, describes three parts to it:
- Self-kindness. Treating yourself with warmth rather than harsh criticism when you struggle.
- Common humanity. Remembering that difficulty and imperfection are part of being human, not signs that you're uniquely flawed.
- Mindfulness. Noticing painful feelings clearly, without ignoring them or getting swept away by them.
What self-compassion isn't
- It isn't self-pity. Self-pity isolates; self-compassion connects you to others who've struggled too.
- It isn't letting yourself off the hook. You can be kind to yourself and still take responsibility.
- It isn't self-esteem. Self-esteem often depends on succeeding. Self-compassion is available especially when you fail. My post on self-esteem explores the difference.
Why kindness helps you grow
Many people believe their inner critic is what keeps them motivated. But harsh self-criticism tends to activate the body's threat system. Under threat, we're more likely to avoid, procrastinate, hide mistakes, and give up, all of which make growth harder.
Self-compassion, by contrast, creates a sense of safety. From safety, it's easier to look honestly at mistakes, learn from them, and try again. Think of how a good coach treats an athlete: clear about what needs to improve, and encouraging enough that the athlete wants to keep training.
Simple ways to practice
1. Talk to yourself like a friend
When you notice harsh self-talk, ask, "What would I say to a friend in this situation?" Then say that to yourself. It may feel awkward at first. That's normal.
2. Use a self-compassion pause
In a difficult moment, try three short sentences: "This is hard right now. Everyone struggles sometimes. May I be kind to myself." You can adapt the words to feel natural to you.
3. Place a hand on your heart
It sounds simple, but supportive touch can help calm the nervous system. Placing a hand on your chest or cheek while breathing slowly is a quick way to bring comfort.
4. Write a letter
Write to yourself about something you're struggling with, from the perspective of a kind, wise friend who knows your whole story. Many people find this surprisingly moving.
5. Notice common humanity
When you feel alone in a struggle, remind yourself how many other people are facing something similar right now. You're not uniquely broken. You're human.
A Stoic perspective
The Stoics are sometimes thought of as stern, but their approach to personal mistakes was strikingly gentle. Seneca described reviewing his day each evening, noting where he had fallen short, and then going to sleep peacefully, having resolved to do better. There was no self-punishment in it, only honest reflection and a fresh start. My post on Stoic journaling describes this practice.
Marcus Aurelius, too, wrote repeatedly about returning to his principles after slipping, without drama. Getting back up was the practice. Falling was simply part of being human.
Self-compassion and change
If you're working on a difficult habit, such as quitting smoking, drinking less, or managing anxiety, self-compassion is especially important. Slips are part of most change. A harsh response to a slip often leads to giving up entirely. A compassionate response, "That was hard; what can I learn, and what's my next step?", keeps you going. My post on all-or-nothing thinking explores this.
Common worries about self-compassion
- "I'll stop trying." Research on self-compassion suggests people tend to keep trying after setbacks, because failure feels less threatening.
- "It's selfish." Being kinder to yourself often makes you kinder and more patient with others.
- "I don't deserve it." Self-compassion isn't earned. It's offered, the way you'd offer it to anyone who's struggling.
Where hypnotherapy fits
For many people, the inner critic is deeply ingrained, often learned early in life. Knowing you should be kinder to yourself doesn't automatically change it. Hypnotherapy can help at a deeper level. In a relaxed state, we can work with the tone and content of your inner voice using NLP techniques, soften old beliefs about not being good enough, and rehearse a kinder way of responding to yourself.
All sessions are held online over Zoom, and you receive a recording to practice with. You can read more in the power of self-talk, or see options on the sessions page. Kindness toward yourself isn't a reward for getting things right. It's what makes getting things right possible.